this is not poetic, & this is not for you.

honestly baby, i couldn't give two shits about some stupid title.

sometimes i do things that are really hard for me. sometimes i do things that i don't want to do. & really, no -- i don't want to give this up. & so i lied, i'm not doing this because i want to.

but don't think for a second that i'm doing this for you.

i went & brok your heart again; without ever wanting to, without ever knowing. i cried like a fool when i heard what you had been keeping from me. what you had never told me in words.

that you have felt alone.
that you have felt hurt.
that you have felt...
...unloved.

sometimes i do things that are really hard for me, not to be masochistic, but to prove a point, fuck drugs. fuck being warm. fuck physical comfort. fuck cigarettes. & fuck all the girls in the fucking world.

you are the most important thing in my life.
& you will always be my number one.
& i'm sorry if my actions made that hazy,
made that anything but crystal clear.

smoke can do that, you know.

& he told me i was wrong, that i shouldn't change myself for someone else. so maybe i lost some hard earned, hard-to-come-by respect. but i'm not changing who i am, i'm changing what i do. & i've had quiet enough of what i do defining who i am, thank you very much.

& i'd feel much more fraud if i kept going
just because i love it, knowing full well
i'd be tearing apart the heart of the best
friend i've ever had, who i love so much
more.

since when does that sound like me?

& i love waking up at night & kissing you. & i love wrapping my too-scarred arms around your waist. & i love holding hands & singing stupid, jonas brothers pop songs in your car. & i love that we look cute enough smoking hookah together it makes your high school friend jealous. & i love bragging about you & showing you off & calling you beautiful. & i love that you would always call me yours.

but more simply, & most importantly:
i just love you.

so do you think i want to be called your girlfriend? do you think that's what i want? do you think that's what i care about?

i don't.
don't get me wrong,
it's nice.
but i don't.

i care about you.
what i want is to be decent to you. what i want is to stop tripping over myself & accidentally hurting you. sometimes i'm just so fucking stupid, sweetie, & i'm sorry.

i'm so sorry.

& what i want most is for you to feel important, for you to feel loved.
for you to feel loved.
god knows you deserve it.

i'm not in love with you, for fuck's sake.
but i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

(with my heart & also with my toes -- please believe me.)
know that i'm forever yours.