a speech that was eloquent and revealing.
grateful.
generous.
charming.
the perfect slight amount of humour and sarcasm that would instinctively make all attendants; prosecutors, defenders, judge and criminal alike, at the very least crack a "i know what you mean" smile.
i had a speech prepared.
but as i stood at the pulpit, attorney at my side--my mother behind me, sobbing into her manicured hands in the pews at the back--my freshly rehearsed words tasted like hot coals on my tongue, and i couldn't spit them out.
i had a speech prepared, but all i could manage was to choke out a 'thank you.'
and choke i did.
blinking tears back from my eyes, tousling my dumb shag hair to hide my reddening ears, barely above a whisper, barely audible at all, i sputtered these words from my dry and quaking lips:
"i just want to express my gratitude..."
choke back tears.
"... to the state, and for the offers they have extended to me. i'm grateful for their understanding, and for..."
choke back sobs.
"the things that i have learned."
choking.
choking.
choking.
neck and ears a bloody red. lips draining all colour. eyes wet and heavy. heart too still; too scared to beat. my lungs stagnant and quickly becoming stale--i want to breathe.
i hear my mom crying. i hear brad trying to comfort her. i hear dark tar sizzling and bubbling over my favourite yellow lighter. i hear my friend's disgust in me. i hear sirens. i hear solid steel doors bolting shut, caging me. the state-man's voice, ringing: "nothing less than 90 days in county will do. she'll be lucky to get that."
and i hear the ceiling fan in the courtroom, whirring away.
the judge looks on me, a cocktail of pity, sympathy, disgust, judgment judgment judgmentjudgmentjudgment.
she opens her painted lips.
and i don't hear a thing.
