sour patch kids.

i think i could use you holding my hand a little bit more. you know i'm superman. i have this saviour syndrome. but when you're not around, i feel a little floaty, a little fleety, like i may just fly away. so i like it when you hold my hand. you keep me here that way.

& i like your crooked smile.
& i like the way you squint & close your eyes.

last night i was shaking (i did too much heroin for utah weather) & i buried myself in blankets & pea-coats & little lamb pillows. my head on your bare white thighs i touched your ankles & you counted out my bloody fingers, told me why smoking is bad for me. thank you for caring about me.

& your mom was raised in a different generation. twat probably didn't even exist back then. in word or form, right? is it weird i really hope she googled that?

& you told me to get in bed so i could hold onto you. & why wear pants when you could just... not? our heads on the same pillow, i kissed your neck & promised to not wake you up at night & we talked talked talked like we were grown ups. you told me i had a smell, not cigarettes or chrome, but a distinct keldy-smell. you told me you liked sleeping next to me, too. you couldn't see me smile or my ears turn red because the lights were out, but you should know i loved the way that sounded.
thank you for letting me in. i love being there for you, & i don't really know what to say when my friends are crying, but i felt better knowing at least you weren't alone. you promised me you'd wake me up if you wanted to talk & i kissed you on the back. & on the neck. & on your shoulder blades. & on your stomach. & each one of your froggy-looking fingers.
i don't remember if i ever really slept, but in the dark i turned over to face the wall & stretch my legs. you reached around me & grabbed on my stomach & buried your face in my back. my legs still ached but i couldn't help myself. i turned back around & wrapped my arms around you & pulled you so close i wanted to feel our stomachs touch & you're so precious to me all i wanted was to kiss you and whisper "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'msorryi'msorry."

did you know?
you are the sweetest thing in my life.
& you are everything to me.