twelve hours ago, i tore open a balloon of heroin & handed it to a friend of mine that asked for my help kicking it after his stash ran out & i watched it bubble on a dirty spoon & i watched my friend tie off & i watched him slam it home & it was at least 90% pure & powder, i swear to god.
so i swallowed amphetamines to cope & it was so stupid of me to stay with him to prove to myself i could, but i didn't want him to feel like he was alone. & i don't have fucking cigarettes, & i feel like i can't talk to anyone about this because i don't know if the people around me would understand how stupid images & meticulous motions & the sound of my friend sighing can freak me out as bad as they are.
i feel like i'm hurting her again, when i have these cravings i can't tear out of my head. i can't stand it. & to be honest, i feel a little bit like crying. i really want the goddam smoke shop to open, but i think my friends feel let down or disappointed in me when i buy cigarettes lately.
i really want fucking cigarettes.
A. this means i am human.
& it is only human to feel afraid.
right?
H. having a heart means admitting it can break.
but they always tend to heal.
& i won't let mine stop beating because i was
graced
cursed
with the presence of great dope.
R. i will never be fake, a ghost, imaginery
again.
even if it takes cigarettes,
meditation,
time alone,
to close my eyes and breathe,
i am forever real.
i am real.
i am real.
& it is only human to feel afraid.
right?
H. having a heart means admitting it can break.
but they always tend to heal.
& i won't let mine stop beating because i was
graced
cursed
with the presence of great dope.
R. i will never be fake, a ghost, imaginery
again.
even if it takes cigarettes,
meditation,
time alone,
to close my eyes and breathe,
i am forever real.
i am real.
i am real.
