menthol camel silvers, drawing hearts to each other in the stains of our hot breath on cold glass. i got really touchy i think, i kept kissing you on the neck & grabbing your hipbones & you just said sweet as apple pie: no, no, baby. save it for my bedroom. & you smiled & you winked & a whole flock of awkward gay teenagers bust up laughing. someone made this awful heroin joke & we only rolled our eyes; i traded a weeks worth of medication for a private thirty rack & half a bottle of sailor jerry. a weeks worth of me sitting still for one night of moving moving moving.
bathtub photo-ops. heavy stench of super dank chronic. hello kitty bandaids. all my stupid bloody noses. dancing topless to benny benassi. spilled beer on your black boots. piercing studio and we got a sweet hook now. (not so sweet after all). getting punched in the nose. listening to girls adore us. adoring you. porno playing cards & two hours of amphetamine fueled catching up.
she said you talked about me!
i smiled & drank a beer to celebrate.
outside smoking, someone burns me, we cool, we straight. some short, chubby black girl tells me i don't have to act black just because she's around. really? bitch, you don't know me. you don't have to pretend to be a bad ass just because i'm around. you're trashed & your girlfriend just decked me in the face. get the fuck off my deck.
i can't really remember. you kissed me on the cheek i think? we were outside & everyone was watching us 'cause we're so damn cute & most often the social center of these sorts of things & i was doing the entertaining, mid-sentence & i forgot i was saying words & i smiled so stupid & leaned into you & closed my eyes & heard ohhhmygod look how she melts for her!
but i can't help it, darling.
i'm just a super gay cupcake for you.
& i still don't want to really think about it.
it scares me a lot to even remember & i don't want to freak out again.
but thank god for you.
two hours of panic attacks & hyperventilating & shaking & not being able to see because my eyes are rolled up in my head & oh my god please don't leave me alone let me follow you & you held my hand & told me i was okay so i went to sleep on your shoulder hugging you around your waist to make sure you were there with me.
thanks for wearing the pants and letting me be the scared little girl.
if it weren't you in that car with me, i swear i just would have laid out on the freeway & cried.
thank god for you.
thanks for not lettin' me go to prison, mmk?
you're pretty bitchin' that way.
