california.

what i wanted to do was break the law and drive to you. i wanted to bring you brownies and cupcakes and flowers and kisses and speed and suboxone and ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT'S HARD and vodka vodka vodka. i wanted to hug you and hold you and let you cry into my stupid we are paramore shirt and i wanted to let you blame this shit on me again, like you do. i know it's not my fault. i know it's not my fault. but i would have let you blame me if it made you feel alive.

i know that you're alive.

i wanted to fix this and to love you so you could be happy. but i've wanted that before. and it was another boy back then. you told me you were moving to california back then, too. i can't believe i couldn't remember. i feel like there are spiders crawling in my stomach. i feel so fucking sick. let me vomit all these goddam promises and all my fucking love letters right upon your feet, just watch me stain your shoes. i want you to take them out of me. i can get rid of them myself, thanks. i could have cried for you. i could have stayed up all night worrying about you and calling you and just asking if you could stop by one more time before you left, wanting to kiss you and let you know i loved you. i wanted you to KNOW. i wanted you to feel it and to believe it and to breathe it in and live it. i wanted you to know.

but you like to tell people i can't love.
you like to tell people i don't love anyone.
my god.
my god.

and now i'm sitting on my bed. you slept here with me last night. i told you what i was afraid of, and you told me you weren't in fact living vicariously through him. i told you i didn't like it, and you told me he was good for you. and yeah, our pillow-talk is fucked up. you slept here with me last night. you stole all my blankets and i was freezing and it woke me up. i swore to extract my revenge on you and i had a lot of fun and i laughed and smiled and i loved lying next to you and i didn't even want to kiss you, i just wanted to know you were okay and i was so happy and so comfortable knowing you weren't mad at me anymore. i kissed you anyway, though. i think i'd always kiss you anyway. and now i'm sitting on my bed, and i'm shaking from my weird, odd-shaped toes to the top of my square-jawed, squinty eyed head. my scars are sticking out, purple plump and polished. it's hard for me to breathe. my ribs are cracking right where i'm going to put words about you all up and down my side. you can be my skinny love. you've always been my skinny love! and my words will crack and crack and crack down my spine and up my stomach. my room is spinning, i'm not sure how i'm capable of writing this because the letters and numbers are all blending in to one. do you know how fucking sick this makes me feel? when what i wanted was to love you, what you wanted was to make me feel sorry. is that it? how badly do you want my attention. my clothes feel sticky and cold against me and i want to shed them off and drown myself in sheets and blankets that still smell like you. the very thought makes me wretch a little. just last night. just this morning. i woke up and kissed you on the ear and called you beautiful. i was so happy and so comfortable knowing you weren't mad at me anymore. or was that just another lie? i heard you wanted to throw me away.

i heard you wanted to throw me away.
it's like i never had a fucking choice.
how do those words sound to you.
how do these words sound?

i love you.
i still love you with all my fucking heart and i don't know why i do.
i don't think i'd want it any other way.
i love loving you.
even when it makes me bleed and vomit.
i love you.
i love you.
i want you to fucking know now that i love you.
have fun out on the coast, baby.
but know i fucking love you.

i'm crying now and i'm shaking and i can't stop gasping for air between thoughts of you.
have i ever meant even close to this much?
have i ever meant anything at all?
or was i just someone who
would love you while you waited.

(and here's the saddest thing:
i wouldn't mind even
if i was.)

please know i'm here for you.
please know i want to help you feel better.
please know my phone is always on, and i'm probably not

going to be sleeping for the next few days.

please know i only said what i did because you made it clear i wasn't making you happy.
please know i want what's best for you.
please know i'm never letting myself get so fucking close to you again.
but please, PLEASE know that i love you, baby.

i don't think i'd ever want that to change.

god i feel so sick.
god i feel so sick.

my god.

you lied to me.