laid out on my skin, others stories that i tell the world. these characters, these shows and you are an event that lapses inside myself.
who am i to you?
what scars do i establish through our talking and our touching?
these are the love songs that i sing to you:
satan & cigarettes.
i thought it was great, the way i was reminded how i am alive again. my doctor taught a lesson yesterday to a group of sick men and women gathered in a circle, legs crossed like children. we smell like smoke and coffee and someone in there was sick, i could tell. pale and sweating. but the lesson he taught them--my words spilled from his old and lipless mouth. i could hear myself behind the strategy and efficiency of living in a way to love yourself and love the world and its inhabitants. i participated like i had never even heard these theories, these mantras before. he asked me, what is a lie you have told yourself?
i told myself she must be heartless--i only thought it for a second, but it near kills me.
i told myself i was incapable of really caring for anyone.
i told myself i could never stop hurting the people i loved.
i told myself i wasn't able to be loved.
words.
only words.
but they were carved deep into my chest and burried in my bones.
i wonder if she put them there.
post-it notes upon my brain.
i don't believe those words anymore.
i am granted trust where it isn't warranted.
there should be suspicious and caution--
but i have proved to my caretakers:
i am happier feeling.
i am happier living.
i am just happier.
and m will always tell me that i am loved. i hope she realized how i care for her, too.
and we talk about how she is like watching zooey deschenel or listening to regina spektor; you don't know what is different about her, but there's always something there that just blows you away and makes you feel so young and so small still. and we talk about how her voice sounds sleepy, and bored. and she herself--looking at her you feel she could just float away.
i just smell like cedar and smoke.
drowned in striped sweaters--a bandana wrapped bandit.
